It’s been a while…

I am writing after a really long time… it seems like forever since I have looked at this site or thought about my abuse. It feels like sometimes I feel like I have conquered my inner demons, quietened my inner child. But sometimes it feels like I never took a step. Why is that? Is it so ingrained that I can never truly let it go?

That feeling of suddenly getting a visual or a memory when you read about someone else getting abused. What bothers me THE MOST is that I can NEVER look at a Father and Child without thinking, “Is he abusing her?”. Because I doubt that anyone could have ever looked at me and my father and said, “yup, she’s in trouble”. He was so good at hiding it and so was I! Smiling and laughing and I did love him. So how could ANYONE know? So therefore I think, “is she being abused?” and it could be a really loving father – I dont know. But the judgement is there – will it ever go away? Will I ever be able to look at it and smile and feel happy? I don’t know.

I don’t hate him anymore for what he has done to me.I don’t love him. I feel nothing towards him. Sometimes the anger comes back but I haven’t spoken to him in almost 6 years now and now that I am married, I don’t want to. I am not ready to have him back in my life. I don’t think I ever will be.

I wonder sometimes, how would I be if I had a different childhood?  A different father? Would I be stronger, or weaker? Would I be more trusting? Would I be happier? Would I be more at peace? I guess the answer is yes to all but I am at peace with who I am today – demons and all. But I wonder never the less.

Ok, I’m ranting, but let me know if you feel the same way. I found the best healing is knowing that you are not alone in your struggles and thoughts. There is someone else out there facing the same thing. So let me know, and I will appreciate it. Stay strong.

Mindfulness

Hi, This is a letter my father sent to me on the day of my wedding reception. I am sharing this to give survivors or victims some hope that maybe their abusers one day will feel regret and want forgiveness. Having said that, I am not ready to forgive him and I have not replied to this letter. Hopefully I will get there someday.

Dear Karen

Where do I begin? What do I say to you? The decision to write or not to write this note and the timing was difficult but I had to do the right thing! Let this be my last message to you. I know you are about to start a family of your own and it is important that I express myself the best way I can today. I hope my honest and truthful confession brings some closure. I want to assure you that you will never find me around you or your family, advertently or inadvertently.

There is nothing that I can say or do that will lessen the pain and humiliation I have heaped on you, pretending like it never happened. Such was the depth of my depravity. Knowing why I did what I did, does allow me in part to deal with my own childhood and the associated pain. I pray that you experience peace and that I may experience all your pain and misery instead. I also remain deeply aware of having committed the worst betrayal a child can ever experience, and there cannot be any place for me in your life or family. I accept this with all humility. I remain deeply grateful for the graciousness and compassion you have shown despite all this. I can see clearly now the significance and interconnectedness of each noteworthy event in the last few years, leading up to the present moment, starting with my exit from the company and Dubai to the acrimony with mama, her delusion of me having multiple affairs to my exit from Pune, your disclosure, to my introduction to Vipassana meditation to my cancer leading to physical disabilities of a permanent nature to mama finally confirming her separation and other events that will continue to unfold in the future.

I have experienced my entire life unfold before me during my long meditative sittings and the full realization from coming face to face with my highly dysfunctional mind, which was difficult to accept at first. It was crystal clear that well before ruining your life, I had already ruined my life inside out. The need for dominance and control was so blinding and compulsive throughout my adult life that I was to burn the very threads that would provide me comfort and a sense of belonging in the future. Nobody mattered but me in those moments of madness. Trust me when I say that, I am reaping in full the fruits of all the seeds of pain and misery I have sown. Please don’t have any misgivings about the silence and distance I have maintained. It continues to hurts like hell, but no pain comes remotely close to not being there for your marriage. No living Parent can ever imagine that happening to them. This is the karmic debt I must repay during this lifetime.

The full extent of my mental depravity has dawned on me bit by bit during my deep mindfulness practice. I, however, am still at great pains to understand how I could have lost all capacity to live life normally as a father and human being. The ultimate irony of my life is in the full realization of knowing what it is to be kind, loving and compassionate and not be able to experience the joy of sharing it. I ardently pray that I too experience the pain of the people I have hurt.

Today, I say this from a cleaner and purer mind that May you experience true Love, Happiness, Peace and Harmony in your wedded life and that all enlightened beings shower their blessings on you and [your husband]. I AM TRULY SORRY FOR MY ACTIONS.

Your Unworthy Father.

PS: I AM DEEPLY SORRY FOR ANY PAIN THIS LETTER MAY CAUSE YOU.

Bloggers Note: Would be great to get opinions on this letter… and your thoughts if you are a survivor, a victim, or really just anyone who has something constructive to say.

April 2015

I am an incest survivor. I have been reading my old posts from 2013, and I see I started every post of mine that way. I don’t define myself as one anymore.  Yes, I have been through Incest, and I have survived. But I refuse to let that define who I am anymore.

A lot of things have happened since the last time I message. I got engaged and married to my boyfriend of 7 years. My father was not invited to the wedding and he wrote me a letter just before my wedding (I will post that on this Blog too). I did not reply.

I have been reading some of the comments on this post and a lot of them talk about forgiveness and forgiving him. I do agree now that I should, but I am not ready. I will take my time and work on it and in a way I do forgive him, but in a way I don’t. I am tired of playing the blame game where I blame him for all the shitty aspects of my life. I want to take control, and I have to a large extent. I no longer feel the intense pain I did, I am more at peace with myself and my life and while I know I still need work, I am happy.

Posting the letter next…

INCEST & CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE BLOGS…

Viga Boland, a wonderful lady, visited my blog the other day and introduced me to her blog and her Facebook page as well. You can visit her blog: http://vigaland.blogspot.com. It really is wonderful and has a world of hers and other peoples stories and opinions. A great place to be heard. 🙂  

The below extract is from her Facebook page and lists the other incest and child abuse blogs:

Below is a list of members of this group who write their own blogs about child sexual abuse and incest. Also included are other blogs I have found to be very useful.

As it’s important to the writers who are often baring their souls in these blogs that their words, thoughts and experiences be read by others, I feel we, the victims/survivors/thrivers, whatever state we’re at in our own healing, owe them our support by reading their blogs, sharing the links to their blogs or even to their latest posts so others can learn and heal along with them.

And the greatest support, encouragement and compliment you can pay a blogger is to subscribe to their blogs or become a follower. That keeps us bloggers blogging. We all know what it feels like to talk, share our heartaches and fears and feel no-one is listening, don’t we?

So may I ask you now to subscribe to, or follow any, or all of the blogs below. As the bloggers post a new piece, read it, comment below the blogs, and share that post with us here and on your other FB pages or your websites or what have you. If we truly believe that COMING OUT FROM UNDER and SPEAKING OUT FROM UNDER is important, then let’s show it. Support these bloggers. And if you have a blog I don’t know about or haven’t listed here, please let me know. I’m happy to add it. Now, just copy/paste URL’s below into your browser! You’re about to meet and learn more about some wonderful people!

VIGALAND: Coming Out From Under (with Viga Boland): http://vigaland.blogspot.ca

VISIONS OF RAINBOWS : http://tomorrowsrainbow.blogspot.ca/

EMERGING FROM BROKEN : http://emergingfrombroken.com/

NIPPERCATS : http://nippercats.blogspot.ca

MY MIND’S CLOSET : http://mymindcloset.blogspot.ca/

SURVIVOR’S JUSTICE: http://survivorsjustice.com/

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY OF A LIGHTWORKER :http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.ca/

SERENDIPITY  http://dmyers004.blogspot.ca

A BIRD IN A CAGE AND A TIN OF PAINT : http://www.abirdinacage.com/

BEYOND THE TEARS : http://beyondthetears.blogspot.com

RUNNING FROM HELL with EL: : http://runningfromhellwithel.com/

SUPERBITCH:http://amoursetter.blogspot.ca/

THE WOUNDED WARRIOR (for male victims of child sexual abuse): http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.ca/

NO LONGER HIDDEN, NO LONGER ASHAMED (a collective): http://www.nolongerhiddennolongerashamed.com/Blog.html

HOPE COACHING : http://www.theblogfarm.com/author/jrrsehopecoaching/

Louis Theroux – A place for pedophiles

As mentioned in my previous blog, this video was documented by Louis Theroux, a British television presenter. I wanted to know others thoughts on it – i.e. what do you think of having such a facility? Is it worth the money? Do you think such people can actually reform?

Any thoughts are welcome. 🙂

Damn it! I spoke to him…

I am an incest survivor.

My previous blog was about how my dad has cancer. The day before his operation, I reflected and reflected and then thought, ‘what the hell’. What if he dies? So something in me made me call him and wish him the best for his surgery. I thought it wouldn’t bother me – just being a good human being to another human being (thinking I would leave the ‘blood’ out). And surprise, surprise (being a little hard on myself), it made me feel worse.

Since then, I have been feeling emotional (just generally) and a little frustrated. Like, ‘what was I thinking?’. And then I think, ‘but, I mean he was going in for surgery. It wasn’t WRONG what you did’. And then the other angrier side goes, ‘BUT, you are healing damn it. Why are you feeling sorry for your abuser?’ CLASSIC Stockholm Syndrome right?

I know I should give myself some credit and not berate myself every time I slip. So instead of doing that, I have been doing some soul searching and then the other day I stumbled across some documentaries. Recently, a girl was raped in Delhi India – gang-raped by 6 men, then had a rod inserted in her and thrown out of the bus. Naked and bleeding. India was outraged and one of my friends posted on Facebook a comment stating that ‘Capital Punishment’ is bad and that two wrongs do not, in fact, make a right. Right, I could say a lot about this statement, but I will hold back because what was interesting to me what NOT that statement, but in fact a documentary: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEt3-kuVl5Y

Please someone tell me your comments on this. I think on one hand, it was a great way to keep them isolated from society. On the other hand, I mean valuable tax money that could be used for implementing more security for citizens are being used on THESE kind of people.

It also makes me question if it is such a brilliant idea that my father is walking around scott free. Yes, he has prostrate cancer, and yes, he just had a surgery. But will this stop him? It worries my watching this video as perhaps these urges will never go away. Can I be responsible for another child being hurt? But then there is my mother, who I know would be upset if he went to jail so I cannot do that to her. Also, if the family finds out…sigh. It is quite a confusing thing and I think I need to figure it out some more.

In the meantime, ANY comments or views on this would be very welcome.

I am an incest survivor. I am still fighting and still figuring things out. Thanks for reading this – it makes me feel heard.

What if he dies…?

I am an incest survivor.

Recently, I heard that my dad might have cancer. He wrote to my brother and myself and said that he was going for tests but ‘things did not look positive’ and he wasn’t going to have high hopes for a negative benign result. I reacted, and replied saying that if that was the case, then we would deal with it (monetarily and emotionally) – in so many words.

However, the initial results came back negative and he never wrote to say ‘all is fine’. He just left it and told my mum. In any case, now apparently it is back and he is going for more tests. However, thinking about it, I really do not feel anything. Or so I thought. Let me explain.

My boyfriend told me that if he does have cancer, that I should see him. Not for him, but for me and for me not to have regrets later on. I thought about it and decided that no, I will not go and see him. Why should he get redemption because he is sick? He never cared when he hurt me and made me sick. He never cared when he hurt my mum and made her sick? Made us so sick that we were left feeling empty and pathetic – to the verge of wanting to kill ourselves. So no. I decided I was not going to see him. Or care.

However, two night ago I had a dream. I dreamt that he died. That he had a heart attack and died. And initially I did not care. But the next day (still in my dream), I cried. I would cry, remember the pain he caused and stop crying, and then start crying again. I woke up with my eyes swollen.

I do not understand this. I know he is my father, and maybe there should come a point where I let it go. But now is not the time. I am so unbelievably angry at him. I hate him. I hate what he has done to us. He has broken this family and our spirits and all the time we try and keep it together. But it is an effort. And things would be so much easier if he just did die. Then I could mourn his loss and then get over this shit.

Maybe that is anger speaking, but it is how I feel. How can I forgive someone who did this to me? Who hurt my mother? And my brother? How can one person be so evil, and then expect people to come to his rescue when he is sick? Yes, everyone does deserve forgiveness. But forgiveness because they are sorry and they will make true changes. Not forgiveness because they are scared they will die alone.

Anyway, if anyone reading this has experienced something similar or was/is in this state of mind (torn), then please let me know how you got over (or plan on getting over) this feeling.

I am an incest survivor. I will not stop fighting.

Learned Helplessness?

I am an incest survivor…

I was reading a discussion today on TED and someone mentioned ‘learned helplessness’. That something you believe in as a child will remain with you and is very hard to break free from. An example was given of an elephant (an experiment conducted by a doctor) – where the elephant is tied at the ankle by a rope as a baby and even as the elephant grows up and can easily break free, it doesn’t as it still believes that rope can hold it back.

I found it very interesting and started digging back into my own past. I remembered times when my dad would tell me things like I am stupid or a ‘donkey’ like he used to call it because I failed two subjects (languages – always been my weak point. Maybe that is also a ‘learned helplessness’?). When he called me a ‘whore’ because he was pissed off about my relationship at the time (I believe I have mentioned this in a previous blog), and many other times when he called me names, or just made me feel stupid or ugly or whatever else. Given, when he was NOT being an asshole, he would compliment me and tell me how smart I was and pretty (seriously!).

The reason I mention this is because I do not know if I have this ‘learned helplessness’. Yes, at times I am very insecure. At times I am depressed, angry and feel I can accomplish nothing. I become very competitive because I have to ‘prove’ I can do it! Even though working 8 hours a day behind a computer at a desk is NOT the life I want. But I do it – because it is a rat race and I have to race ahead. Why? Because I feel I am not worthy otherwise? Is this a ‘learned helplessness’ trait?

I am very insecure about how I look. I think I look okay (because men say I am pretty) – but then men always tell women that as well (ulterior motives). Don’t know. I definitely do not think I am beautiful. I wish I was prettier – bigger boobs, tighter ass, you get the drift. But then again, do I really want that? Do I want this unwanted attention from men who only want one thing? I have a man who loves me and accepts me for who I am. I am grateful for that – so why do I want to look better, be smarter, be the best? Is this a ‘learned helplessness’ trait?

Or is it being helpless in the true sense? And is it helplessness because of the sexual abuse or because of these name calling instances, or both? That is, being helpless by not being able to help myself by fighting back? Not being able to help others by fighting for them? Maybe to some extent but I also think I can be quite aggressive when I have to be. The only one I have not (I don’t know about cannot yet as I have not tried) been able to fight now is my dad. Not fight him because he is still doing these things, but fight for my dignity by telling him what he has done. How sick he is. Fighting for my mother by telling him to stop harassing her and still trying to control her by holding back money that is rightfully hers. Fighting for her by telling him that he almost broke her but she is still fighting. And also fighting in the same way for my brother. Of course I do not mean physically going there and fighting – but having the courage to stand up to him and say what I have to say whenever I want to say it.

I don’t know if I will be able to when the time comes, but I feel it coming soon, so I hope that I do not have this ‘learned helplessness’. Because I have fought to stand back up for so long, no body is going to push me  back down.

I am an incest survivor. It is a constant fight, and I will not stop. Please do not stop fighting as well.

My dream last night…

I am an incest survivor…

It is been around Last night I dreamt that I met my dad. It has been over a year and a half since I have seen or spoken to him. I don’t usually think about him but last night I dreamt that I saw him and I just started screaming at him. Telling him how he has ruined my life and how I feel so different and ‘not normal’ all the time because of him.

And it didn’t feel good in the dream. I thought that confronting him in real life would be hard but would help me feel free. But I didnt in the dream. I just felt bad.

I also feel that there is no point of confronting him. What good is it going to do? Do I really want him to always have that power over me where he knows that he is still affecting my life? Somehow I think that confronting him would just make him feel that way. Maybe I’m mistaken, maybe it will make me feel better, maybe it will make him realize what he has done. But what’s done is done right? Nothing can take away the past, nothing can change it.

I think what I need to realize is that the past is the PAST. It is over. It isn’t coming back to hurt me. But the effects of it still affect me. My mind is constantly filled with turmoil, I constant doubt and don’t trust people. I am overly sensitive and feel pain, anxiety and hurt more than I think  I should. I cannot handle it a lot of the time. I act like I don’t care, but things affect me deeply. I definitely do not want to ‘stop’ feeling – but I do want to learn how to control my emotions better. I want to be more confident and social.

And I will. I will keep on fighting…

Trying to get some anger out…

I am an incest survivor.

I have a written a letter to write him, but I just haven’t sent it out. For a few reasons. One, I don’t know if I have written enough or gotten everything down. What if I send it and then realize I left out some stuff. Two, I don’t know whether there is any point in doing this. I mean I don’t even know why I am writing this. So here is the letter and tell me what you think!

“I’m not really sure what I hope to gain from writing this letter. Closure. Some sort of outlet for this mess of emotions I have been feeling. I know I am not looking for an apology. You have apologized but that is not what I want to hear.

I am angry. And that anger isn’t going away – it’s just growing. And it isn’t healthy because it is affecting my life, my relationships. So here is why.

1. The way you treated me. You hurt me, made me think I was a bad person, that I had done something wrong. I felt dirty and sick. And now knowing that it was not my fault does not take away those feelings. I have questions I need you to answer. “Why” isn’t one of them as I am not sure any answer is going to make me feel better. But I want to know when it started.
2. What did you expect the final outcome of this to be? That we would still be a happy family? That I would just forgive you and let it all go? I did actually, until I met a therapist and she told me why I was the way I was with you. Then it all made sense.
3. Did you think that I would let you around my children when I had any?
4. Saying you were abused by your mother, and a priest and whoever else is NOT an excuse. You use it as a shield. How is anyone supposed to empathize with you when you went ahead and did the very same thing to your own children.

Thinking about the past makes me sick and I hate thinking about what happened. For the most part, I honestly don’t remember most of it. The parts I do remember is sickening – I wish my life growing up was different. I wish you were different. But you weren’t. The most confusing part is that you still tried to be a father. Punishing us when we did something wrong, caring for us, educating us and trying to give us everything. But I cannot look at you like that. Because all the good you did seems  overshadowed by the hurt you caused. It’s like you gave me shoes to walk, but cut off my legs.

I now have severe emotional blocks and problems. I hover around depression and anxiety which I try and fight every day. It is a battle and I want to fix it, so that I don’t hurt the people I love. So if you could tell me as much as possible, it would be helpful. I’m not telling you any of this for sympathy or for you to feel bad. I’m just getting it out.

2. The way you treated mama. It is my fault for believing you. I actually was convinced something was wrong and you sounded so concerned. But now looking back, I should have realized who you were.

1. Did you really believe something was wrong w/ her or were you just trying to convince everyone she was crazy so that you could get away w/ whatever you were doing?
2. Did you have an affair? Not that it matters, but a good part of me wants you to finally admit it and stop hiding for once.
3. If you did think she was crazy, why were you hitting her so badly? Were you trying to beat the crazy out of her? What is wrong with you? How can you hurt someone so badly? Someone who loves you? Why didn’t you just leave earlier without tormenting her so much? She doesn’t only hold the emotional scars you left but now also the physical.
4. How could you try to convince us that something was wrong with her? How could you talk about her taking medication for something she doesn’t even have? You had me panicked when you called me asking me to come down to India to help her take her medication. And then I found out the truth about everything. And I understood. I met her, and she was hurt that I doubted her, that you just walked out without telling her. But now she is better for it. It was one good thing that you did.
5. If you did manage to convince everyone that she was crazy and had her put away, would I have been your next target? That I am crazy and imagined all these things because “schizophrenia” is genetic?

3. The way you treated Kevin. You hit him and denied it. You controlled him so much that he couldn’t breathe. He’s gone now to the US – ran as far away from you as possible and he isn’t coming back. He was shy, and intimidated and had a stuttering problem. Tell me why that was? You have been reading so many books – let’s see if you can figure this out. He has grown into an amazing person who is confident and caring and honestly that has nothing to do with you.

We all have the scars you left and we are all working on them and trying to fix them. I just wanted you to know that. I just needed to get this off my chest. If you don’t want to answer any questions or reply to this then you don’t have to. Either way I just wanted you to know how I feel.

You tried to control us as much as possible. Maybe what you say is correct, maybe you were two people. One good and one with severe issues – I can believe that. I saw them both. We all did. Then why didn’t you get help? Well, there is no point looking into the past – it cannot be changed.

I don’t know if we will ever be a family again. I thought we could, but my anger towards you seems to be getting worse and I need to let it go and forgive you and myself one day. But I don’t know when that day will be. If you mother did abuse you, how do you stand to be around her? I don’t know how or if you will ever fit into my life. I don’t have the answer for that. All I know is that you don’t seem to be making an effort either way.

This letter is not meant to make you feel like a horrible person. It is meant to cleanse me. I do wish you the very best and hope you find peace one day. I don’t want you to be sorry or go into hiding or anything like that. I want you to simply find peace. And I hope I do too – and mama, and Kevin.”