Hi, This is a letter my father sent to me on the day of my wedding reception. I am sharing this to give survivors or victims some hope that maybe their abusers one day will feel regret and want forgiveness. Having said that, I am not ready to forgive him and I have not replied to this letter. Hopefully I will get there someday.
Dear Karen
Where do I begin? What do I say to you? The decision to write or not to write this note and the timing was difficult but I had to do the right thing! Let this be my last message to you. I know you are about to start a family of your own and it is important that I express myself the best way I can today. I hope my honest and truthful confession brings some closure. I want to assure you that you will never find me around you or your family, advertently or inadvertently.
There is nothing that I can say or do that will lessen the pain and humiliation I have heaped on you, pretending like it never happened. Such was the depth of my depravity. Knowing why I did what I did, does allow me in part to deal with my own childhood and the associated pain. I pray that you experience peace and that I may experience all your pain and misery instead. I also remain deeply aware of having committed the worst betrayal a child can ever experience, and there cannot be any place for me in your life or family. I accept this with all humility. I remain deeply grateful for the graciousness and compassion you have shown despite all this. I can see clearly now the significance and interconnectedness of each noteworthy event in the last few years, leading up to the present moment, starting with my exit from the company and Dubai to the acrimony with mama, her delusion of me having multiple affairs to my exit from Pune, your disclosure, to my introduction to Vipassana meditation to my cancer leading to physical disabilities of a permanent nature to mama finally confirming her separation and other events that will continue to unfold in the future.
I have experienced my entire life unfold before me during my long meditative sittings and the full realization from coming face to face with my highly dysfunctional mind, which was difficult to accept at first. It was crystal clear that well before ruining your life, I had already ruined my life inside out. The need for dominance and control was so blinding and compulsive throughout my adult life that I was to burn the very threads that would provide me comfort and a sense of belonging in the future. Nobody mattered but me in those moments of madness. Trust me when I say that, I am reaping in full the fruits of all the seeds of pain and misery I have sown. Please don’t have any misgivings about the silence and distance I have maintained. It continues to hurts like hell, but no pain comes remotely close to not being there for your marriage. No living Parent can ever imagine that happening to them. This is the karmic debt I must repay during this lifetime.
The full extent of my mental depravity has dawned on me bit by bit during my deep mindfulness practice. I, however, am still at great pains to understand how I could have lost all capacity to live life normally as a father and human being. The ultimate irony of my life is in the full realization of knowing what it is to be kind, loving and compassionate and not be able to experience the joy of sharing it. I ardently pray that I too experience the pain of the people I have hurt.
Today, I say this from a cleaner and purer mind that May you experience true Love, Happiness, Peace and Harmony in your wedded life and that all enlightened beings shower their blessings on you and [your husband]. I AM TRULY SORRY FOR MY ACTIONS.
Your Unworthy Father.
PS: I AM DEEPLY SORRY FOR ANY PAIN THIS LETTER MAY CAUSE YOU.
Bloggers Note: Would be great to get opinions on this letter… and your thoughts if you are a survivor, a victim, or really just anyone who has something constructive to say.
