Trying to get some anger out…

I am an incest survivor.

I have a written a letter to write him, but I just haven’t sent it out. For a few reasons. One, I don’t know if I have written enough or gotten everything down. What if I send it and then realize I left out some stuff. Two, I don’t know whether there is any point in doing this. I mean I don’t even know why I am writing this. So here is the letter and tell me what you think!

“I’m not really sure what I hope to gain from writing this letter. Closure. Some sort of outlet for this mess of emotions I have been feeling. I know I am not looking for an apology. You have apologized but that is not what I want to hear.

I am angry. And that anger isn’t going away – it’s just growing. And it isn’t healthy because it is affecting my life, my relationships. So here is why.

1. The way you treated me. You hurt me, made me think I was a bad person, that I had done something wrong. I felt dirty and sick. And now knowing that it was not my fault does not take away those feelings. I have questions I need you to answer. “Why” isn’t one of them as I am not sure any answer is going to make me feel better. But I want to know when it started.
2. What did you expect the final outcome of this to be? That we would still be a happy family? That I would just forgive you and let it all go? I did actually, until I met a therapist and she told me why I was the way I was with you. Then it all made sense.
3. Did you think that I would let you around my children when I had any?
4. Saying you were abused by your mother, and a priest and whoever else is NOT an excuse. You use it as a shield. How is anyone supposed to empathize with you when you went ahead and did the very same thing to your own children.

Thinking about the past makes me sick and I hate thinking about what happened. For the most part, I honestly don’t remember most of it. The parts I do remember is sickening – I wish my life growing up was different. I wish you were different. But you weren’t. The most confusing part is that you still tried to be a father. Punishing us when we did something wrong, caring for us, educating us and trying to give us everything. But I cannot look at you like that. Because all the good you did seems  overshadowed by the hurt you caused. It’s like you gave me shoes to walk, but cut off my legs.

I now have severe emotional blocks and problems. I hover around depression and anxiety which I try and fight every day. It is a battle and I want to fix it, so that I don’t hurt the people I love. So if you could tell me as much as possible, it would be helpful. I’m not telling you any of this for sympathy or for you to feel bad. I’m just getting it out.

2. The way you treated mama. It is my fault for believing you. I actually was convinced something was wrong and you sounded so concerned. But now looking back, I should have realized who you were.

1. Did you really believe something was wrong w/ her or were you just trying to convince everyone she was crazy so that you could get away w/ whatever you were doing?
2. Did you have an affair? Not that it matters, but a good part of me wants you to finally admit it and stop hiding for once.
3. If you did think she was crazy, why were you hitting her so badly? Were you trying to beat the crazy out of her? What is wrong with you? How can you hurt someone so badly? Someone who loves you? Why didn’t you just leave earlier without tormenting her so much? She doesn’t only hold the emotional scars you left but now also the physical.
4. How could you try to convince us that something was wrong with her? How could you talk about her taking medication for something she doesn’t even have? You had me panicked when you called me asking me to come down to India to help her take her medication. And then I found out the truth about everything. And I understood. I met her, and she was hurt that I doubted her, that you just walked out without telling her. But now she is better for it. It was one good thing that you did.
5. If you did manage to convince everyone that she was crazy and had her put away, would I have been your next target? That I am crazy and imagined all these things because “schizophrenia” is genetic?

3. The way you treated Kevin. You hit him and denied it. You controlled him so much that he couldn’t breathe. He’s gone now to the US – ran as far away from you as possible and he isn’t coming back. He was shy, and intimidated and had a stuttering problem. Tell me why that was? You have been reading so many books – let’s see if you can figure this out. He has grown into an amazing person who is confident and caring and honestly that has nothing to do with you.

We all have the scars you left and we are all working on them and trying to fix them. I just wanted you to know that. I just needed to get this off my chest. If you don’t want to answer any questions or reply to this then you don’t have to. Either way I just wanted you to know how I feel.

You tried to control us as much as possible. Maybe what you say is correct, maybe you were two people. One good and one with severe issues – I can believe that. I saw them both. We all did. Then why didn’t you get help? Well, there is no point looking into the past – it cannot be changed.

I don’t know if we will ever be a family again. I thought we could, but my anger towards you seems to be getting worse and I need to let it go and forgive you and myself one day. But I don’t know when that day will be. If you mother did abuse you, how do you stand to be around her? I don’t know how or if you will ever fit into my life. I don’t have the answer for that. All I know is that you don’t seem to be making an effort either way.

This letter is not meant to make you feel like a horrible person. It is meant to cleanse me. I do wish you the very best and hope you find peace one day. I don’t want you to be sorry or go into hiding or anything like that. I want you to simply find peace. And I hope I do too – and mama, and Kevin.”