I am an incest survivor.
This has nothing to do with the sexual abuse he inflicted on me (this concerns my mother a bit more), but I felt it prudent to write this to exhibit a bit more of my father’s character. As spoken about in my previous post on his manipulation, he was determined to make everyone believe that my mother had schizophrenia and she was seeing and hearing things that ‘did not exist’. I was inclined to believe him – the guilt of this is still with me, but my therapist says it is because of Stockholm Syndrome. Anyway, I was still under the impression that he was fundamentally a good person, who had ‘learnt his mistakes’ and would not hurt anyone else.
Of course, him being as manipulative as he is, was able to convince everyone. And he was smart about it. Instead of waiting for my mother to tell anyone, HE told everyone first. He called us up. He called her mother up and I am not sure, but I believe her brother as well (None of his family, as he is no longer in contact with them). After my father walked out of the house, the truth about his physical abuse and emotional abuse came out.
I found out that he would taunt my mother. Call her names like, ‘retarded bitch’, “mental” and so on. My mother has now come to understand this as being a ‘projection’ (Wikipedia) of himself. He would tell her things to rile her up and when she would react, he would pounce. With his fists. Fucking asshole.
One day they were in an argument and he turned to her and said, “your father is not even fit for my shoes”. Completely out of context, but he knew it would push her buttons and my mother worships my late grandfather. She walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and asked him what he meant. His reply? Fifteen slaps across her face. Hard. So hard she is partially deaf in one year. Let’s keep in mind that my mother is around 5’1”.
Another time he threatened to hurt her so that there would be no bruises. Therefore no evidence.
Another time he threw her across the room so hard, she fell and had to be on pain killers for over a week.
Another time he spat on her. Another time he dragged her by the hair. Another time he kicked her.
And I could go on and on. But it is too hard.
So why did she stay? Stockholm Syndrome my friends. It is a powerful, powerful thing. I encourage you to look into the depth of this so as to understand people who are undergoing abuse. What it ends up making you do is to feel ‘sorry’ for the person that is abusing you. Justifying what they do in some way that makes sense in your head –
- He (or she of course, I am just using he here as an example), made a mistake
- He won’t do it again
- He feels sorry about it and I understand he has been going through a lot
- He is actually a really good person
- Blah blah fucking blah
Always making excuses for them. For what? To let them stay in control? The first step to gaining control again is realizing about this little two word syndrome that has such a big meaning. Once digested, it is easier to see things in a whole new light. Like, nothing is wrong with me. It is natural that I feel this way.
I never truly understood the impact of Stockholm Syndrome, and neither did my mum until we both stayed away from him and his control. And today, while not cured or quite as free as I would like to be, I feel much lighter. And a little more in control. So does she.
There are days when I lose it and can’t handle it. But being away from him has drastically helped me. It has thrown my entire world topsy-turvy to be honest, but somehow; I know this is the right path to peace. And freedom.
I am incest survivor. And I will keep on fighting so that I find my peace, happiness and strength.